Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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