All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
