Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
