I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
