ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
