i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
