Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
