so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We got so high we made milksteak
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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