Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
