My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
