apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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