Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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