Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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