My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
