i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
