I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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