I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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