Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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