I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't deserve a penis
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
