You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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