forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
