Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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