God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think a kid would responsible me up
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
