you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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