I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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