I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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