Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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