that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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