you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
