??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
