The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
