If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
