Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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