The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's rum buckets o'clock
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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