I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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