Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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