im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
