So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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