I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
