Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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