Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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