Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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