When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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