I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
