I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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