in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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