If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
