Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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