I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
