does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
