see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
