Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
