I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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